northbound:

They’re called eyebrows cause my eyes be browsing yo fine ass 

(via fuzzyanus)

tom-sits-like-a-whore:

manlayingegg:

vvankinq:

When my balls stick to the inside of my leg…
image 

im not even a guy but this is funny

the fact that this is a thing that happens is making me crack up

(via impossably)

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
— Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love”  (via kanyequeen)

(via youve-got-a-restless-heart)

helioscentrifuge:

when i see cuties postin selfies

image

(via youve-got-a-restless-heart)

gaywitchesforabortions:

muyfragil:

i thrEW IT ON THE GROOOUUUUNNNNDDDD

IM AN ADUUUUUUUUUUULT

gaywitchesforabortions:

muyfragil:

i thrEW IT ON THE GROOOUUUUNNNNDDDD

IM AN ADUUUUUUUUUUULT

(via sergeantjiggles)

blushpanic:

genji-senpai:

pezberry93:

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

hakuna your tatas omg

DonT HAVE A RACK ATTACK OMFG

blushpanic:

genji-senpai:

pezberry93:

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

hakuna your tatas omg

DonT HAVE A RACK ATTACK OMFG

(via youve-got-a-restless-heart)

flcme:

florels:
disqustinq:
THIS IS MY FAVORITE POST ON TUMBLR
OH MY GOD

flcme:

florels:

disqustinq:

THIS IS MY FAVORITE POST ON TUMBLR

OH MY GOD

(via impossably)

jesus-everywhere:

Jesus Sleepwalking
Jesus Everywhere prints, cards, posters & more available for purchase HERE.

jesus-everywhere:

Jesus Sleepwalking

Jesus Everywhere prints, cards, posters & more available for purchase HERE.

autumn-will-come:

splashmouth13:

we-smoke-the-blunts:

platypusinplaid:

America in one gif

omg the eagle exploding it

How the fuck did they get a bald eagle to wear a suit AND fist bump Steven Colbert

pistachios

autumn-will-come:

splashmouth13:

we-smoke-the-blunts:

platypusinplaid:

America in one gif

omg the eagle exploding it

How the fuck did they get a bald eagle to wear a suit AND fist bump Steven Colbert

pistachios

(via xkanyeinterruptedmex)

tyleroakley:

heyitsmaya11:

This is to every single person that helped make this possible. I haven’t been able to announce it until tonight, but Tyler saw the video and the prom thing. He unfortunately can’t make it to prom because he is busy the weekend of, but he invited me tonight to meet him. It was everything I could imagine and more. He is the most charismatic, kind, gentle and funny guy you will ever come to meet. Thank you to the 2000+ who helped spread this around. It was unbelievably humbling to see so many people willing to help me. He filled in the blank bubble, and I will never ever forget this night. Thank you. If you have a dream, chase it… I didn’t want to let mine only remain a fantasy. 
Twitter: @BostonOakley

So great meeting you, things like this are the reason I do what I do. Have fun at Prom! Whoever you go with - a date or your friends - they’re lucky to have you!

To be honest, I have no idea why Tyler Oakley is famous. But it makes me happy when someone like Tyler (who could have very easily ignored this girl) goes out of their way to bring a smile to their fan’s face while making their dream come true. And for that, I thank you Mr. Tyler Oakley. I thank you for being a righteous human being.

tyleroakley:

heyitsmaya11:

This is to every single person that helped make this possible. I haven’t been able to announce it until tonight, but Tyler saw the video and the prom thing. He unfortunately can’t make it to prom because he is busy the weekend of, but he invited me tonight to meet him. It was everything I could imagine and more. He is the most charismatic, kind, gentle and funny guy you will ever come to meet. Thank you to the 2000+ who helped spread this around. It was unbelievably humbling to see so many people willing to help me. He filled in the blank bubble, and I will never ever forget this night. Thank you. If you have a dream, chase it… I didn’t want to let mine only remain a fantasy.
Twitter: @BostonOakley

So great meeting you, things like this are the reason I do what I do. Have fun at Prom! Whoever you go with - a date or your friends - they’re lucky to have you!

To be honest, I have no idea why Tyler Oakley is famous. But it makes me happy when someone like Tyler (who could have very easily ignored this girl) goes out of their way to bring a smile to their fan’s face while making their dream come true. And for that, I thank you Mr. Tyler Oakley. I thank you for being a righteous human being.

(via xemilee)

My ex girlfriend still calls me after she leaves her boyfriends house.

We broke up a week and a half ago because she cheated on me.

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